Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
