Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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