Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
