i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
