Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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