none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
