2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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