Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
