I'm drive I can fine osifer
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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