Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
