is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
