Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
