Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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