Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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