i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
