Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
