I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
