I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
