Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
