Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
