I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
