He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
