oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
