i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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