I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
