Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
