My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
