very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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