Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
