just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
