My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
