I was born with a shot glass in my hand
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
50% drunk capacity currently
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize