why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Randomize