when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
