she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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