Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
