make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
