I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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