I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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