GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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