1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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