I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
