Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize