My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
