I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
