Will you blow on my dice?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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