Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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