My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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