Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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