mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
