Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
