i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
