Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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