I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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