ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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