I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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