I hate your face
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
