I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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