is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
