Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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